Why Embracing Contradictions Is the Secret to Inner Peace

The Hidden Power of Opposites: How Duality Creates True Balance in Life

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”- Charles Dickens.

Understanding Duality: Living in the Harmony of Opposites

Are people good or bad? Is this right or wrong? We often confine ourselves to binary thinking, perceiving the world as a series of opposites—good versus evil, right versus wrong, success versus failure. Although we find comfort in viewing the world through a black-and-white lens, how could we understand one without the other? If we only had darkness, we could not comprehend it without the contrast of light.

Contrasts don't undermine each other; they define each other. If you took away one, the other would lose all meaning. How would we know we were happy if we only ever experienced happiness? It would be like taking a “happy pill” in a dystopian sci-fi novel. We cannot experience and enjoy real happiness without knowing pain and suffering. Grappling with these opposing forces is part of the human condition.

Similarly, right and wrong are two components of a duality — heads and tails of the same coin. A driver runs a red light, causing a minor accident. The traffic violation is undeniably 'wrong' from one perspective, but perhaps 'right' if they were rushing their dying parent to the hospital, highlighting how our perspective and context can shift our judgment.

We aren't implying that there's no such thing as right or wrong, nor should every event be misconstrued as a “grey” area —“ill-defined or morally-ambiguous.” Instead, duality means that both sides are necessary in any circumstance. The ancient Taoist symbol of Yin and Yang embodies this concept — two halves delineated by a curved spiral. One half is black, representing the yin (dark or negative); the other is white for the yang (bright or positive). The curvature signifies no absolute separations between the two opposites.

Dualities are fundamental to the universe, whether at the atomic level, where electrons and protons coexist, or in the cycles of life and death that all living beings experience. How can we experience life without death? Death implies life. Duality isn’t about opposition, but rather about harmony.

The Wisdom of Sai Weng: When "Bad" Becomes "Good"

The parable of Sai Weng (塞翁失馬) reveals the unpredictability of life and the dangers of hasty judgments:

Sai Weng lived on the frontier by the Great Wall and raised horses for a living. One day, he lost one of his prized horses. After hearing of his misfortune, his neighbors felt sorry for him and came to comfort him. But Sai Weng replied, “Maybe losing a horse is good for me. How can I know it is not a good thing for me?”

Not long after, the lost horse returned with another beautiful horse. The neighbor came over again and congratulated Sai Weng on his good fortune. But the farmer simply replied, “This is not necessarily a good thing. Maybe it’s something bad.” One day, his son went out for a ride with the new horse. All of a sudden, he was thrown from the horse and broke his leg. The neighbors once again expressed condolences to Sai Weng, but Sai Weng said, “Maybe this will bring good fortune to me.”

One year later, a war started, and the Emperor’s army arrived at the village to recruit all able-bodied men to fight. Because of his crippled leg, Sai Weng’s son could not go off to war and was spared, while many of the villagers’ sons were killed in battle.

The parable of Sai Weng serves as a reminder that a single event is never the whole story. Adverse events can evolve into positive developments, and good fortune can unexpectedly turn into misfortune. Past and present events affect the future, but the exact impact is unpredictable.

Every event stems from countless actions and events that unfold over time, projecting into uncertainty. The parable also teaches us that our perceptions influence our reactions. Not everything is as serious as it may seem at first, and believing that we are constantly right or that others are always wrong is a form of hubris.

Any potential catastrophe or “miraculous breakthrough,” whether human-made or not, does not guarantee that a bleak or prosperous future will ensue, nor will it continue indefinitely. A contemporary example would be the rapid development and advancements in AI technologies. Although many tech giants tout AI as a positive development for human flourishing, automating the mundane and allowing us to focus on what matters, others are pessimistic about the future of humankind in an AI-dominated world. However, no one can know with 100% certainty what lies ahead.

While we shouldn't become indifferent or passive spectators in the world, we must recognize that it's unpredictable and understand how our subjective perspectives shape our experiences. Moreover, we shouldn’t hold onto our past decisions and judgements too tightly, knowing our actions rest on incomplete information about an unpredictable world.

Emotions, Actions, and Reactions

For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Newton’s third law predicts outcomes in the physical world, but when it comes to human beings, our actions and reactions become unpredictable due to emotions that lead us to irrational actions or judgments.

Emotions are triggered by what happens around us, but aren’t experienced the same by everyone. They’re intricate and personal experiences that invite us to continually explore our inner selves. At its core, basic emotions are an evolutionary biological response, serving as forms of physiological arousal that drive us to perform specific actions.

Our mind converts our sensations of the external world into predictions based on past experiences and beliefs. How our mind appraises a situation highly depends on the individual and their previous experiences. When someone criticizes our work, our mind instantly connects it to past experiences—perhaps times when parents, teachers, or others made us feel inadequate or threatened. Yet, these predictions are often inaccurate. The person in question may simply be trying to help, or they may be under stress themselves. What you feel, however intense or real, is not always the best lens for understanding reality.

Emotions are far more complex than we can fully grasp with our limited language and vary significantly across cultures and throughout time. In Germany, the word "Schadenfreude," from "Schaden" (meaning "damage/harm") and "Freude" (meaning "joy"), refers to the pleasure one experiences in another's misfortune or failure. Another example, Xingfu 幸福 in Chinese, is a blend of “blessed,” “fortunate,” and “long-lasting happiness” in relations with others. Recognizing that many linguistic expressions of emotions have no direct translation in other cultures shows the vast dimensionality emotions can take on.

However, emotions are part of being a functional member of society. They separate us from the psychopaths. Although essential to our existence, just as we can consciously hold false beliefs stemming from inaccurate or incomplete information, we can experience emotions based on a faulty subconscious appraisal of a situation. Ever had a breakup? Remember, your life wasn’t over, even though it may have felt like that in the moment.

Since we may not fully “feel” the situation correctly, this problem is distorted when we process and decide what to do with our emotions. When dealing with an emotion in the “anger category”, sometimes our initial instinct is to lash out or suppress our feelings entirely. However, neither approach is truly effective. Reacting impulsively, based on inaccurate appraisals of the situation, often worsens the problem, creating negative feedback loops. This pattern can play out on both individual and societal levels. When we are unable to accurately understand our emotions, we may resort to maladaptive actions.

Many destructive acts stem from misaligned emotions – unchecked anger, fear, or a distorted sense of threat. Suppressing emotions also backfires. Bottled-up anger in a relationship can turn into passive-aggressive behavior or seemingly random outbursts over trivial matters.

The Art of The Mindful Response

What underlies emotions is neither inherently positive nor inherently negative. Instead, they are merely a combination of our body’s sensory and physiological systems signaling to us, alerting us to our surroundings, needs, and potential threats or opportunities. How we interpret and act on these signals is up to us.

Due to the complexity of emotions, people often try to appeal to reason during contentious situations. Unfortunately, facts alone don’t change people’s minds. Reasoning with unreasonable people is a futile effort. We seek confirmation, not opposing ideas. We often cannot detach our beliefs and emotions from who we are, leading to a precarious situation. If presented facts contradict your worldview about a given situation, you might see it as a direct attack on yourself, the essence of your existence. Hence, we feel hostility toward others and the world around us when faced with opposing viewpoints. We often react based on insecurity in our identity or belief system.

The tendency to praise taking immediate action and demeaning “inaction” has compounded the fast, reactionary nature of our human interactions. We have misconstrued careful, considered responses with a penchant for apathy. The prevailing sentiment is “We must take action now!” without fully considering the inevitable reactionary forces or a thorough understanding of our emotions, which hinders the formulation of the “correct” response. “Why do I feel this way?” “Why do I feel forced to act or think a certain way?” “Why don’t others agree with me?” “Why do my actions never seem to improve things?” Answering the “Why” gives perspective to our feelings and actions, as well as those of others, and their reactions. Moreover, it is vital to have the self-awareness to recognize when our desired reactions are disproportionate and the skills to reframe our thoughts and process our feelings in healthier ways.

Agency lies in mindful, considered responses, not knee-jerk reactions. Psychologist Daniel Kahneman, author of Thinking Fast and Slow, maps a way to help better understand two different modes of thinking: Type 1, which is fast and automatic, and Type 2, which is more deliberate and requires effort (Note: there is potential overlap or a continuum between Type 1 and Type 2 due to the complexity of cognitive processes). By taking the time to consider different options and engaging more in Type 2 thinking, we can allow for better avenues for action.

We won’t always be "right" when we are more deliberate, but when we make decisions impulsively or based on emotion, we often either fail in the moment or never achieve the desired outcome in the long run. This is where the difference between a reaction and a response comes in. While a reaction is an automatic or "lazy" Type 1 follow-up to any directed action, a response considers the nuances and intricacies of the situation and future potentialities before deciding how to act (or not).

A response requires a certain detachment from the seemingly constricted set of automatic reactions. This pause allows for a broader set of potential actions. It facilitates a more critical and "strategic" approach to decision-making, which helps prevent misunderstandings and potentially has a more impactful "connection" with people. Mindfulness, or being present in the moment, is a crucial tool to break free from our reactionary autopilot. By being fully aware of the current situation, we can engage more in Type 2 thinking and view our actions and the actions of others through a critical lens.

Conclusion: Embracing Duality

Traditionally, in the Far East, the concept of heart and mind differs from that in the West. In Western cultures, when someone asks us where our heart is, we point to the left side of our chest, and when questioned about the mind, we point to the brain inside our heads. The concept of 'heart-mind' is unified as 心, “xing” or “kokoro”, reminding us that the separation of heart and mind is artificial. We should approach life with both heart and mind. Just as we shouldn’t rely on passionate reactions, we shouldn’t use reason and logic devoid of consideration for the emotions of those around us. This interplay combines compassion with critical thinking and empathy with strategic action, ultimately leading to wiser choices.

Embracing duality acknowledges that life is simultaneously beautiful and challenging, meaningful and absurd, ordered and chaotic, individual and interconnected. We control some things, but much remains beyond our reach. We are not victims of fate, nor masters of our destiny — we are conscious participants in a dynamic, ongoing interaction between opposites, each giving the other its meaning.. The next time we notice ourselves sliding into either/or thinking, pause and search for the nuance. That’s where the most compelling stories emerge—and where genuine growth begins. After all, it really is the best of times and the worst of times. And that's exactly as it should be.

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“See, the source of all light is in the eye. If there were no eyes in this world, the sun would not be light […] YOU evoke light out of the universe, in the same way you, by nature of having a soft skin, evoke hardness out of wood. Wood is only hard in relation to soft skin. It’s your eardrum that evokes noise out of the air. You, by being this organism, call into being this whole universe of light and color and hardness and heaviness and everything.”

- Alan Watts