The Problem With Self-Help: A How-To Guide For (Extra)Ordinary Living [2025]
An Introduction to the New Ronin: Living Authentically in Modern Times
Preface
“Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless, add what is essentially your own.”
— Bruce Lee.
The untold, fundamental axiom of “self-improvement” is to understand the essential truth of our existence as simultaneously part and whole of a cosmic play — the universe actualizing itself through all living beings.
We can start living fully now only when we see and reconcile our inner “self” with our external reality.
Once we reach this realization, we begin to liberate ourselves. We begin to free our minds of worrying thoughts. Things finally fall into place.
No one can do this for us; only we can fully know ourselves. Neither is there a step-by-step guide or checklist of incremental improvements to follow.
Often, we encounter this “enlightenment” multiple times in our lives, yet we are forgetful and default to distractions and indulging in base pleasures.
Besides, what is there to improve anyway? We are everything in the present moment—sentient beings with our own unique experiences and paths.
Here are just our two cents…
Collective Illusions of Desire
"Man is the creature who does not know what to desire, and he turns to others in order to make up his mind. We desire what others desire because we imitate their desires.”
- Rene Girard.
We live in a world with insatiable wants, overpowering what we really need.
We covet what people have — distilled and filtered by social media.
We seek “success” or “our best life” without understanding our real motivations.
We crave external validation and ignore the beauty of our internal world.
We are always on the chase. Desiring the newest tech gadgets, hottest fashion trends, increasing monetary wealth, and obtaining higher social standing.
Society has distorted our perceptions of what it means to live a fulfilling life. Much of what we yearn for is superfluous social constructions. Desperately trying to climb the social or professional (or spiritual) ladder, we fail to stop and think – Why?
We’ll create a vision board of our goals, dreams, and aspirations without a clear rationale as to why we want any of these caricature representations of reality.
We never take the time to examine the reasoning behind it. Why?
Because we’ve subconsciously outsourced our “purpose” — a construct of social norms rather than from true selves.
Historically, we would adhere to a set of religious doctrines laid down by a supreme authority — so-called God(s) — through prophets and spiritual leaders to achieve everlasting life in the afterlife. We would follow strict social expectations, such as those found in Confucian or Christian traditions.
In modern times, we have witnessed a significant shift. Marked by a decline in conservative values, an increase in individualistic behavior — driven by the rise of capitalism and consumerism — has become the new religion.
Yet, we still live in collective illusions about our “life purpose.”
Our new individualized purpose is often superficial — we conflate it with our whimsical desires or social and familial responsibilities.
What we desire is often not sourced from ourselves.
Instead, our desires are socially constructed by others. As French scholar René Girard describes in his mimetic theory of desire, beyond biological functions, we perceive what is pleasing to acquire from others.
By modeling our desires and ideal lifestyles after those of others, we often compete over resources and harbor envy toward them.
This subconscious mirroring of desires is partially why we feel empty after fulfilling particular desires – they never really came from us.
As a society, we’ve amplified the illusionary aspects with the advent of the internet and, more notably, social media. With overexposure to various mimetic desires, our wants have become increasingly unrealistic and hollow.
Self-Help Industrial Complex
We are what we give our attention to. Unfortunately, it’s all over the place. With the decline in organized religion, people have turned to “self-help” or “spirituality” to fill the void left by a modern atheist society.
Seeking to improve ourselves, we are overwhelmed by the constant content machine of spiritual gurus, self-improvement podcasters, and wellness specialists.
More content equates to more potential revenue. There is too much noise and conflicting advice.
Many self-help books on the bestseller list on Amazon are released to rave reviews about how they will change your life and make you successful. “Uncover the secrets of top performers,” “Learn to believe in yourself,” “Positive affirmations for success,” and “Manifest what you want out of life” (these are not actual book titles). But hold on...
How many people buy self-help books yearly yet see minimal improvement? If what they said worked, we would all be "successful," right? We would all have the luxuries we wanted, the lovely house, and the partner of our dreams if we only followed these rules.
The reality paints a much different picture. Of course, part of the problem is potentially non-retention or non-compliance. Still, the hard truth is we are born with different capabilities and potential paths in life. However, as we will explore in future writings, the concept of "success" is deeply flawed, and money has a limited correlation with happiness.
There is a burning problem in the self-help and self-improvement community, where "successful" people, usually entrepreneurs turned gurus, provide a sales pitch: "Do you have big goals or dreams… But can't achieve success? Do you feel you were meant for something greater? We have 10 steps or tricks to transform your life, overcoming self-doubt and barriers to achieving your dream life.”
Most self-help advice: Follow these rules to financial freedom, build these life-changing habits, or "hack" your day to "improve" your daily life, as if it were a "How to Lose 10lbs in a Month" workout program. Not to say they never work or have some value.
However, err on the side of caution. Without the proper perspective on life, we don’t stick with these hacks or habits in the long run. There's no shortcut.
If what they propagate were so easy to achieve, they wouldn't need to spend time and effort trying to sell us a course. They would practice what they preach and ride off into the sunset.
Play Different Games
Maybe we’re not here to "hack" our productivity. Nor do we need to go from 0 to 100 and become a high-performing overnight success story.
Maybe we don’t need to take ice baths or optimize our nootropic stack to boost our performance.
Perhaps we aren't all meant to become successful billionaire entrepreneurs, have a supermodel-looking partner, or possess a 0.01% physique, and that's completely okay.
In fact, that's more than okay. After all, our efforts should not focus on external validation.
When we look at spiritual people, there's almost an automatic sense of admiration – that there are people out there who can forgo the luxuries of modern society.
I remember taking the subway in Taipei and noticing a Buddhist monk standing near the train doors. Around her were throngs of people glued to their precious portable screens. Dressed in a long, plain robe made of coarse fabric and wearing simple sandals, she was in a deep state of meditation.
A Buddhist monk renounces their family and worldly possessions and devotes themselves to a life of service and simplicity inside a monastery.
The juxtaposition of ancient ascetic tradition and the modern condition allows us to realize that spiritual practitioners and their ascetic lifestyle serve as a reminder that life is just a game or a theatrical play.
The game is to experience life in our unique ways.
The Way: Start with How
In the ways of the Buddha: Find the middle way. Stop seeking the max-min of pleasure and pain.
Our current world is full of easy-to-access dopamine hits and pleasures. To compound this problem, there is nothing to restrain them. We are invited to partake in more and more.
We often don't realize how privileged we are in terms of material wealth and health. Let's take a "zoomed-out" perspective, considering historical medical advancements, modern marvels of science, and the enlightenment of the human condition, including the advancement of human rights and freedoms. We can begin to appreciate what we already have.
As someone who wanted to chase "success" or at least fit into the norms laid out by our society, I was also stuck in terms of what kind of life I wanted to live.
I realized I had created a false vision of what I wanted out of my life. It was not about what or even the why. It was the how. Although a "why" is essential, how we live our lives daily is more important than the "why" or the "what," as it informs both.
From an evolutionary biological standpoint, our "why" is to survive and pass down our genes, which informs the overarching basics of living.
Still, more is needed to guide our everyday lives meaningfully, especially for those who do not clearly subscribe to a faith-based perspective of the world.
Too often, we mistakenly believe we must aspire to a particular lifestyle or achieve certain feats to make our lives extraordinary.
On one hand, we easily get caught on the hedonistic treadwheel – wanting more and more pleasure out of life – an unsustainable lifestyle.
On the other hand, we must "win" in a zero-sum game by acquiring more resources and power, unlocking achievements, and reaching milestones to prove to ourselves and others that we are successful.
We must realize that no matter how much social media and society shove these ideas down our throats, our very existence is already extraordinary in its unique ways.
Our primary task is to appreciate our existence and be fully present in our daily lives. How do we live in accordance with our true selves? And that is enough. Striving to achieve this is always enough.
Most people know how they want to live their lives, doing the things they want to do, yet, weighed down by social expectations, they put it off.
We all have something to offer the external world, no matter how small our circle of influence may be. There is only the present.
But what is valuable and good? There is an inherent subjective interpretation here. Unlike the laws of thermodynamics, there are no hard and fast rules or laws for living, just guidelines that one can choose to follow if desired.
We can start by narrowing our focus to what we do in our everyday lives and the impact we have on our immediate world.
About The New Ronin Project
"Usually when we hear or read something new, we just compare it to our own ideas. If it is the same, we accept it and say it is correct. If it is not, we say it is incorrect. In either case, we learn nothing."
— Thich Nhat Hanh
Overall, I believe our writings would benefit those seeking to discover their true selves and live a more meaningful life. There is no silver bullet, revolutionary life hack, or secret that will solve our problems – that doesn't exist.
Welcome to reality.
Our authentic life is found through our own suffering and trials while leveraging the knowledge of wiser people who have come before us.
When n = 1, what works for others might not work for you, take what is useful and throw away what isn't.
This blog serves as a repository of notes — a compilation of what we have learned from wiser people before us, as well as our own introspection. Our purpose is to guide people to live the (extra)ordinary in their day-to-day lives.
Our discourses pertain to the human condition. There is no such thing as an ordinary life, and we are all meant to have unique, worthwhile experiences that make us extraordinary.
Remember, no other human being in the history of humankind has or will have the same experiences.
We’re not trying to sell you a way of life or convince you that anything is right or wrong. We don't expect you to take our word for it; rather, we hope to open your mind to the possibility of a different way.
We can only start this process by understanding and seeing through the bullsh*t that has been conditioned into us.
Let’s separate ourselves from society's expectations and live without regret. Think moderation, not balance. Think temperance, not abstinence.
This is the Way… The Way of the New Ronin.
The grass is not greener on the other side. The fundamental problems within us will persist, regardless.
This is a good place to practice, as any. Start with How.
We are all (extra)ordinary.